Dear 2018,

Just a blink of an eye, how quickly time flies & this is your last day – 31/12/2018. You’ve taught me a lot in a year alone. I started this year with no new year’s resolution. In fact, I enter this year with absolutely no clue of what to do; with no direction of life and even got off the wrong side of the bed but you never let me down.

The beginning of this year was very interesting. I had the chance to do a fashion photo-shooting in the most famous spot in KL & got my pictures taken by many talented photographers. Throughout the year, I’ve also connected with so many amazing people that amused me, new friends that I’ve made, met friends that I’ve known for a long time but never meet in person & rekindle old connections with friends I’ve not contacted for awhile.

Never would I have thought that I would even change the degree of my course and challenge myself to do a double degree. I’ve also managed to complete another qualification in early childhood education & started working with children. In which teaches me a lot about patience & selfless-ness.

Although this year have been quite a smooth sailing journey for me, there were times where the waves was rough. I was very unsure & doubtful in the choices I’ve made in life. I questioned myself whether the things I do in life is what I love; whether if I’m doing it “Just out of fear” or perhaps, blindly following & being trapped in the matrix of society. I was so conflicted & unhappy. I forced myself to do things that I “thought” I love but truth is, deep down I’m drowning. I kept on pushing myself even when my heart says no. Till a point, I decided to let it go…

Lessons I’ve learned in 2018.

  • Love.

I thought I knew enough about love. Truth is, the love I knew were based a lot of “false” belief & “false” definition of what love is. It’s difficult to clear the lies around love because it has been conditioned in us the very first beginning when we begin using our logical mind, words, thoughts & past relationship experience to “define” love.

As I started letting go of the lies around love, stopped reading articles about “How love is”, “What love should look like”, “If the person really loves you..” etc, I begin understanding love. That is when I look further within myself.

Love is everywhere.

Everything we see is love. We are made of love.

  • Inner voice

I was once a person who always seek for the outer opinions. When it comes to making decisions, I would ask advises from others & taking their opinion into consideration. Sometimes I would even ask my mom for her opinion on choosing a dress for me or what I should eat for dinner.

It comes to a point where I subconsciously allow others to dictate my decisions in life as if I did not have an opinion or a mind of my own. The more I started seeking for the outer voices, the more I was conflicted within myself. There were too many opinions, too many options & way too many different advice that I didn’t know what, who, which, how & when to listen or to do. I was stuck.

That is when I decided to tune out from the outer & tune within myself. It was very uneasy to sit down & question myself what is it that I really want. Instead of asking others, I started asking myself first. I started off slowly closing my eyes & placing my hand at my heart. By doing so, I quiet down my reasoning/logical mind & connect with my heart so I could listen to my inner voices.

“What is it that I really want in life?”

“Which is the right path to take?”

“Does this make me happy?”

Over time, I begin recognizing my inner voices. As I started listening to the voices from my heart, my life becomes so peaceful & harmonious as if my inner voice knows my greatest desire. Our inner voice seems to have the power to navigate our life to manifest what we truly desire.

Throughout the journey, the toughest lesson for me is to trust my instincts. Reflecting back, I realized the reason why I do so was that I wanted affirmations & validation from others. I didn’t have trust in my own decisions; I don’t trust myself. A virtue I’m yet to learn – trust & believe.

  • Truth of life

This lesson was the least obvious & one of the most difficult lesson to me. For it requires a lot of self-awareness & spiritually aware to understand the truth of life. I find it a bit difficult to describe this lesson because somethings in life can’t be described by words. The universe is infinite; words can only express till an extend & therefore, makes it limited.

What I’m about to share with you is merely just my experiences & feelings on how I see “The Truth Of Life”. So it begins with me questioning myself about the world:

“What is the truth if the knowledge we’ve acquired were written, defined or stated by people? Why are we listening to those who holds higher authority or power? Are they even speaking the truth? “

After all, people do make mistakes; we see things in our perspective of the world, interpret in our own mind. What makes certain “statements” or “claims” to be the truth?

This sometimes made me think twice a lot about what I’ve known & acquired throughout my life. Through just silently observing life as it, with no interpretation of the mind, the truth is shown.

Sometimes I think is good to not know much. The more we know, we distance ourselves further from the truth.
The truth indeed is just it is – Nikita

  • The flow of life

I can be a control freak sometimes, usually only towards myself. Although it seems good that I’m very driven, focus & persistent – “Self discipline” but when it comes to changes in life, that’s when my flexibility is being tested. Self-discipline is good; likewise if anything is too extreme or out of balance, things will become inharmonious.

Lao Tzu once said:

Yes, we’re creators of our life; we create our own reality but still, some things are beyond our control. The only thing left for us is to trust in the universe & allow life to flow.

Perhaps being in control gave me a sense of security & certainty. For it is terrifying of the unknown, therefore I had the belief that I needed to control my life.

The reason why I was very controlling towards myself is that I had a lot of fears in me, mostly about trusting – trusting in the process of life, especially in myself. Yet again, another lesson for me to learn.

  • Family

Family – I know the definition of it; Do I know the values of family?

Since young, I was very much a “friend-oriented” person instead of “family oriented”. I spend most times with my friends instead of my family; friends come first.

Family oriented:  a principle that puts family at the center and focuses on their values, strengths and relationships.In other words, family comes first. 

We often take our loved ones for granted because deep down we know, they’ll be there for us no matter what & will always forgive us. I started treasuring & appreciating my family when I left to Australia.

Most friends will be there for us for a while especially when it’s FUN. However, whenever it comes to difficulties, not all are willing to stay by our side. Although I can be independent but sometimes all I want is just someone by my side where I could hug & turn my comfort to, that’s when I started feeling homesick.

  • I miss the sound of my sister playing piano
  • I miss how Izabelle would yell at her phone when her ranking for PUBG drops
  • I miss how dinero would give his puppy dog eyes whenever mommy scores him
  • I miss spending festive seasons in Malaysia
  • I miss the presence of my family.
  • I miss my sisters & my mom so much.
  • I just miss home.

Home is our comfort zone- a place where we could just freely be ourselves.

The magic thing about home is that it feels good to leave and it feels even better to come back.

To end 2018,

I would like to take this last day of 2018 to be grateful for everything.

  • Thank you for my beautiful family
  • Thank you for my lovely friends
  • Thank you for the wonderful opportunities
  • Thank you for the blessings & abundance so that I live such a luxurious life
  • Thank you for the world, people, animals & nature
  • Thank you for all the lessons you’ve given me to grow to become a person
  • Thank you for giving me a chance to live the best life

Whether if I met you through social media, at the beach or the bar, work, universities or even meeting you at the airport, directly / indirectly you’ve made an impact in my life. I’m so beyond grateful to have welcomed all of you- beautiful, uplifting, inspiring, genuine & loving souls into my life.

To end 2018 & begin 2019, I wish you & your loved ones a blessed new year. May this new year brings us so much more laughter, happiness, peace, abundance, blessings, good health & wealth.

Most importantly,

Unconditional love

Love, Niki

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